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from A Modern Shaman's Guide To A Pregnant Universe

FROM PHASE IV: GOD FORMS

HIRING AND FIRING YOUR GOD FORMS






THE FOLLOWING IS A SAMPLE APPLICATION FILLED OUT BY
POPE NICHOLAS THE ONE ON BEHALF OF JESUS OF NAZARETH)

THE GOD FORM
APPLICATION FOR EMPLOYMENT

NAME: Jesus of Nazareth SOCIAL SECURITY # (REQUIRED): 156-666-9393

ALIASES: (use additional pages if necessary): The Son of God, Christ, Rabbi Jehesua, The Messiah, The Lamb, The Pigeon, et al.

WHAT ARE YOUR QUALIFICATIONS? i am very good at telling stories to childlike peasants and uneducated slaves. i also do a passable magic act.

PERSONAL/PROFESSIONAL REFERENCES: Dozens of Popes, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell, Torquemada.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO OFFER ME? Freedom.

WHAT PAYMENT DO YOU REQUIRE? Absolute obedience.

HOW MUCH VACATION TIME DO YOU REQUIRE? There are plenty of mortals ready to speak for me, so i don't hang around much anymore. Why take the risk?

WHAT GODS/GODDESSES DO YOU GET ALONG WITH? My Father and the Spook.

WHAT EXPERIENCES HAVE YOU HAD WITH A PERSON LIKE ME? Well, Hyatt, people like you tend to ignore me. Or even sneer at me. And write awful things about me---and my mommy!

WHAT ARE YOUR PAST ACCOMPLISHMENTS? Though i taught that men should go along with the dogma of the group with the most powerful weapons, i was murdered anyway when i talked too much. Since then, i've learned to keep quiet and mostly hung around in the background. My lieutenants have done a remarkable job of recruiting more troops and, getting rid of any dissenting humans as well as competing gods and goddesses. So, in numerical terms, i've been one of the most successful gods ever.

HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOURSELF? i came to be on this strange planet in a manner still a mystery to me. With some success, i was indoctrinated into the monotheistic Judaic culture. i spent a number of years wandering about, learning. Then i tried to communicate what i learned, that there is more to life than the peasant existence and slave mentality most people lived at that time and still do today. At that level i guess i've done a lousy job. Still, i have a great compactness of energy. By teaching in vague parables and leaving most things unspoken, i have enabled humans to interpret me in any way they want. This has allowed me to accumulate maximum power with minimum effort.

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN CONVICTED OF A FELONY? EXPLAIN Yes, for having a big mouth and not having the weapons to back it up.

HAVE YOU EVER USED DRUGS? Yes, but don't tell anyone.

WOULD YOU TAKE A URINE TEST? Sure

SINGLED _ MARRIED x DIVORCED _ SEPARATED _ COHABITING _

NAME OF SPOUSE: Mary Magdalene, thousands of nuns, priests and monks.

DO YOU HAVE AIDS? Well, you know how those priests are.

NUMBER OF CHILDREN: i've made everyone my child, whether you like it or not.

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